The Crux of the Story.

LauraIs anyone else not surprised Paul’s being an asshole again today?

Aaron and I were rehearsing the scene where the strongest, most passionate character suddenly has a change of heart…with zero evidence of why in the script… You’re watching the show, and then all the sudden you’re like, “wait a minutes, what, I thought that…?”  Our moral compass loses its magnetism!! Which would be fine—maybe— if that were the crux of the story… But it’s not!  It just doesn’t make sense!  Ugh!!! GARY!!!!  He may be my brother, but this script sucks.  It’s awful.

Gary’s writing lately has character schizophrenia.  A character will start out interestingly enough one way, then lose all steam and become entirely another character (or two!) before the show is over!  You can’t watch it without being completely confused, and you sure as hell have a hard time acting it! It’s like he started writing, forgot where he was going with it, and said, “Eh, this worked before, I’ll just throw that in there.”  Success comes with its hazards, we all know that, but here we are, a group of dedicated artists excited about this interesting, very Gary script, when it suddenly gets a hoke injection!

Poor Aaron has to search his heart and soul for some way to make this scene make sense.  So, yes, PAUL, things were progressing at a little slower pace than Aaron and I usually work at, but cut us some damn slack!!!  It takes a lot off effort to make shit smell like roses! We’re trying here!

What pisses me off even more is that Paul should know this!  I hate to admit it, but he’s a great actor.  AND I’ve snuck some peeks at stuff he’s written (and kept quiet about) that he left sitting out at Gary’s coffee table.  Again, hate to admit it, but it’s pretty damn good.  You’d think anyone with Paul’s talent and vision could see our struggle…instead he just freaked out and screamed at us, “Just say the goddamn lines, Aaron!  The words are right there on the page!  And so help me God, Laura, if you make one more inappropriate face…”  Aw c’mon, like he’s never raised an eyebrow at an odious line before.  And his eyes are so piercing, when he fixes his gaze on you it’s like he’s yelling at your soul.

I know, he’s an artist, and even when his artistic vision is off, his artistic temperament still reigns.  But what is Gary doing to him? Forcing him to abandon he believes in? I know Gary pretty well.  I love him.  But he ain’t worth all that.

This rehearsal process is just killing me.  I’m so drained: physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  So many people’s dreams were riding on this show.  And now…this.

I need a cup of coffee.

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I remembered why I don’t like it.

JaneSo the universe is putting me to the test yet again. I recently took yet another ghost writing job. So close, yet so far from acting.

I took the job, feeling like I NEED THE MONEY!!!

Well a few days into it, I remembered why I don’t like it, how my boss keeps me in a repressed little box, and is at this point just utterly degrading my full potential. His version of being direct is being ungrateful, while I’m performing miracles making wine out of water with 24 hour turn-arounds and he is still focused so hard on what’s wrong or could potentially be wrong that he makes you feel incompetent while all you are doing is the best you can, with the resources he has chosen to give to you. I’ve asked for better, he says no….apparently doesn’t understand the concept you get what you pay for, and the icing on the cake…is the few little things he tries to make me wrong for, was Actually in REALITY right & efficient, it just wasn’t HIS WAY, and I’m being made to deal with his fears, and anxieties for making promises to his client that HE can’t live up to. YET I’M AUTHENTIC IN MINE!

And this time I know it’s not just me. It’s time to be the “stars” we are meant to be!!!

And I’m finally promising myself, NO MORE! I’m walking through the terror of my final test.

And so I’m throwing my hands up in the air and asking whatever is out there….”tell me, what now?”

Please, give me a sign.

Graham.

Is this it?

Sometimes when we argue I can almost feel myself breaking away for good. Like I’m a bungee cord stretched to the breaking point and about to snap. And sometimes, I truly believe I’m going to do it, too. Snap. Leave. Move on.

That’s usually about the time I arrive home from fighting with him, or hang up the phone, or delete the offensive email.  I look up and see myself in my apartment, and suddenly I feel so trapped. Stuck. Staked in place. For what am I really? Not the bungee cord, no. I’m not flexible, or strong, or liable to break away. I’m the figure tied to the end of the cord, and he’s the one holding the string. I can see him, standing on my rooftop, stringing me along like a puppet as I bounce up and down at his request. And I bounce up and down, peeking in the windows of my neighbors apartments as I go, wondering if their lives are like this too. And all the while I hope he’ll reel me in and that when I get to my roof, it will just be him waiting there.

No strings, no games, just him.

And then, just when I give up all hope, just when I think he’s going to polish his ring and head home, his hand reaches down and pulls me up to the ledge.

And there he leaves me, hanging on for dear life, clinging to the ledge. It’s the perfect vantage point to see him turn around and walk away. But not before he clips my bungee cord to the chimney.

The Dream Dancer

"Hidden Heroes" Issue of "Brand Eins"

My maker is a “Hidden Hero.” : )

Der Traumtänzer: Artikel über Götz Neumann, Regisseur von “In the Night”, in der aktuellen Ausgabe von “Brand Eins

The Dream Dancer: Article about Goetz Neumann, director of “In The Night”, in the new issue of “Brand Eins“!