About Mary

Dreamer. Believer. Mother of one sweet little girl.

The Dangers of Dating “Ordinary”

MaryOne thing that I’ve learned in my meager but colorful dating history is that it’s never good to have an ex-boyfriend who’s too ordinary-looking.  That average build, average height, average Joe with brown hair and the slightest hint of a receding hairline. No indeed, once it’s over you don’t want the person who incites in you a sense of sheer panic also be a person who looks like almost everyone on the subway.

I think maybe it’s for April’s sake, that I get so jumpy. I won’t even be thinking about him, and yet I’ll see him everywhere. And every time, I get that visceral punch in my gut, a twinge telling me to bolt.

It’s not that he’s dangerous, or mean, or anything like that. It’s just the way he left; he isn’t here at all. It’s like he erased himself from my life. I still wake up sometimes and reach over for him across the bed, expecting to find his scent buried in a pillow.

I never tell April, but I think she knows just the same. It’s amazing how much she perceives, how she can feel out my moods and can be so grown up as to comfort me. I don’t think I was that smart when I was her age! Perhaps I should have named her Athena. She’s already turning out to be stronger than her mother.

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Audition Jitters

MaryI don’t think I can ever remember a day I’ve been more nervous in my life! It started with dropping April off at my sister’s, and trying to get out the door before Liz made me feel too guilty for leaving her there. Thank goodness I was able to secure an appointment for this audition, or I never would have been able to go.

My days of waiting in line for hours are, for better or worse, over.

So anyways, I dropped April off with Liz and drove over to the studio. Once I found parking . . . something happened. I froze. I don’t know. I just couldn’t do it. I sat in my car for probably twenty minutes, just frozen, thinking.

What if Liz was right? What if I’m selfish for wanting to try and give it another shot? I mean, she has a point, kids are expensive and April deserves a mother who can be there for here, 100%.

I don’t know how I stumbled through the dance combination. I mean, I’m a ballet dancer—or at least I used to be, and this was all hip hop! I stuck out like a sore thumb. Everyone was so good! I hid in the corner, I nearly burst into tears. But I told myself, all I have to do is remember the steps and I’ll be happy. They don’t have to be good, but as long as my brain is still quick enough to remember them I’ll be happy. But still, a hip hopper I was not.

Then I sang. The director left it totally open in terms of song choice, he said he “didn’t want his vision to cloud our true expression.” I’ve heard he’s very good at what he does, but I would have much rather had some guidelines—especially my first audition back! But we didn’t have any guidelines, so I sang “Foolish Games” by Jewel, because it was something that really speaks to me and I sang it last week on Liz’s karaoke machine. So I knew I could still hit the notes!

I think my hands were trembling a little while I sang, but I can’t be sure. I forgot how terrifying auditions are! I don’t know if I’m cut out to do it all again. When I picked up April at the end of the day, we went out for ice cream. I told her it was for her, to celebrate her being such a good girl while mommy went to her audition. But secretly,  I know the ice cream was really for me.