The thing about spring is it just makes me want to dance. What’s wrong with that, you say? Well nothing, unless you’re strapped to a desk typing at a rate of 70 wpm. And why does it always seem that the most beautiful weather comes with the most excruciating deadlines?
Still, there was some good news. I heard from my friend in Greece, and she told me all about this incredible program where you travel the countryside putting on shows. Sounds like a dream job! I’m so impressed with all she has done since graduation. I feel like while I’ve hidden behind a computer screen and shrunk from life, she’s gone out and grabbed adventure and her dreams by the reins and told them where to go! It’s inspiring to see, really. But it does make me feel like a little chicken.
Something she said to me really got me thinking. And it was a pretty simple thing to say, too. When I told her I was so proud of her accomplishments, but could never do them myself, she simply said, “Why not?”
Its that time of year again…ratting around the city looking for new adventure, opportunities, and experiences galore! I found myself the other day stumbling through a warehouse of anything you can name and came across a powder blue nighty that reminded me of my first night with Jerome. Ugh…just when I thought I’ve medicated myself through all those past memories. I’ve been clear-minded on a path of renewing myself daily and seeking higher meaning to my life.
I’m ready to take my life and career to the next level possibly being part of something that is actually meaningful and has power to change the world. I’m tired of the same ol’ stories about love, sex, abuse, gayism, heroism, blah blah blah…what about something that is the only truth to the universe??
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of instant gratification, satisfaction and perpetual venture to look for the next big. What about something that’ll gratify you forever and ever?? I may have found it. . . but it is still a sliver of a seed yet to grow. I think we may all be looking for that big purpose. And trust me, even relationships will last for a while and satisfy you at the moment, but very few will last a lifetime. I’m done.
Sometimes I think he thinks he can just keep jerking me around. Like I’m a mailbox (or an ATM) he can visit when he’s looking for something. And then other times I see the poetry he creates on the stage and I know it’s all worth it. His insight into the human mind, into the human condition… that’s not something that can be taught.
And there I am, looking in from the outside.
But when the curtain falls and the cocktails are finished and the chorus boys have backed off for the evening, he comes home with me. And that’s the time nobody else can take away.
We didn’t have a very good Valentine’s Day this year, but since then it’s been getting better. We talked about the need to talk, and when I brought up the point that I felt like I spoke more to his assistant Christine than to him he seemed to really melt a little. Like he’d been so stressed out and frozen solid that it just took the tiniest crack to let the warmth flood in.
And then we went away skiing last weekend and that made up for everything. I’m a better skier than he is, and—not gonna lie—it was pretty great to beat him at something, for once! Oh, Gary. So many talents. Downhill is not one of them.
The rehearsal schedule is taking shape—I’ve been pretty proud of myself. Nothing like playing honorary stage manager and chief investor for a little while! Here’s hoping one of his deus ex machina-like investor schemes comes through.